Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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