I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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