yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
