I think I died a long time ago.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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