i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
