Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Naked Twister starts at high noon
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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