I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
