I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
