First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
