Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
