DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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