your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
