He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
