i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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