I wish I could teleport
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
