we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
