don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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