You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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