Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
