Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
