i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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