guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
