I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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