The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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