We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Blow job season was short but glorious.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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