You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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