i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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