Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
