Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
