I think i sorta joined a cult last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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