If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
