I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
