I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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