Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Randomize
