Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
