turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
