She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
