I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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