I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
