What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need to align my fucking chakras
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
