I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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