Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
