Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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