Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
