I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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