I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
