I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
