I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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