I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
