tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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