just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
