my phone needs a breathalizer
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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