do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
