It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
