I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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