So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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