My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
