I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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